Food Bargains

Food Bargains ©

By Michael Casey

It’s been a busy day for me today, I took a peek at another house, I think it’ll be a No, not unless they drop the price bigtime, and then the wife decides she likes it. I also had to take my big daughter to the Optician to pick up her new glasses, pair plus spare. So I was out a couple of times, and did a fair bit of walking. 

Sadly the days when I could walk 5 miles at the drop of a hat are over, if you are metric 5 miles equals 8 kilometres. I used to walk up to 20 miles and more a week when I was working in the hotel. Sadly these past few years have slowed me down. I am still alive thanks to the surgeons but I am not as good as I used to be prior to surgery, Don Camillo my local priest said that at our age its 3 years not 3 months before you get back to normal. That’s without Arthur my arthritis and my cKd adding to my tiredness.

Apart from that I can sit and write and read the Press to my heart’s content, the ability to write is my saviour. I still feel 20 in my head and in my outlook though my birth certificate says I’m older and my pain says I’m older still. But pain does not rule me, I am a bridegroom eager for the night ahead, on a page, on my bed of words.

Now what I really want to talk to you about tonight is Food Bargains, and how did this idea come to the fore today? Because after me and my  daughter picked up her new glasses, she now looks like a female John Denver, I asked her what she fancied for food today. Which led us to the Coop and its buy 5 items for a fiver, instead a tenner. I don’t always go to Aldi, though it is my spiritual home. Part of my therapy as I joked to the checkout boy today.

Now Politicians say offers in supermarkets can be bad, but speaking as somebody who lives on a tight budget I say all offers are good. When I finally get my major media deal I’ll shop in Sainsbury’s and Waitrose, but until then I’m an Aldi boy, yes boy, I am so young in spirit. You are so cruel laughing at me through your computer screens, if I could reach out and spill your energy drinks then I would.

Offers allow us poor people to survive or have a few special treats at low cost. Rising prices for social policy reasons penalises the poor. So leave we the poor alone.

Now you wouldn’t expect me just to make that point without seeing the flip side, so I’ll continue with the flip side.

Well you are having Creamy Creamy Ice Cream tonight. Why what do you want? I just love you so much. Did you scratch the car again, I told you to watch the neighbour’s garden fence, it’s more like something from the Somme. No I just love you, have a double helping. What are you after? Do you want my body again, it’s been 4 times this week already. Yes eat your ice cream then take your clothes off. Why can’t you get another model for your Medical Textbook photographer work. They need somebody your age, besides if you are really good, I may, I may… Put the central heating on.

You are getting sausages and peas tonight, you know you love to pee, or rather eat peas. It was on special offer. Then you can have some onion rings too, you know how you like them. Then you can get your clothes off, I need a few more photos for the Medical Textbook. If you are good I have some funny fish faces too. What you don’t like the funny fish faces, because they upset your faeces. Have a double portion of peas instead, then get your kit off.

This Young’s fish is really nice, especially if you grill it, and the peas are nice too, with a dab of low calorie marg melted in them. I don’t know what the marg is made of, but it must be good, its 60% less saturated fat than butter. What does saturated fat mean, I don’t know either. These bargains really are sogood. 

Why do we always get peas and ice cream with every offer. It’s like school Christmas school dinners. Have a cuppa to warm you up, in fact have too. This PG tips was on offer too, and you get a free monkey carrier bag, made from plastic something or another. Have you finished your tea? Good now get your kit off, I have 10 more close ups to take for the urinary care project, it’s so good I married you, it would be embarrassing to photo a naked man I wasn’t married to.

I’ve got you some Pasta today, yes there will be peas too. I have some apple strudel too, and a new mug to drink your tea from. I bought it the charity shop, its new, but it was in the charity shop. Yes two mugs of tea then can you get naked. I have to take photos for the colon examination feature, and I may take photos for the circumcision. No stop crossing your legs, see I’ve put the knife down. I was only going to butter my crumpet.  Come here have a nibble of my crumpet, then stand on the kitchen table while I take the photos for the Birmingham Medical Report.

I got a nice joint for us tonight, a joint of meat. I don’t take photos of the misuse of substances, that’s my twin sister Jane. Yes we’ll be having peas and onion rings with it, and sweet corn. We never got around to finished all the onion rings and peas and sweet corns that come with the offers so I thought we finish them off tonight before the reach the Use By date.

No you can keep your clothes on tonight, I thought you could have a night off. What you want me to take all my clothes off, why. Just for fun, a striptease as a reward for all the male medical model work you have done for me. Ok, that’s fair. Then afterwards you want me to lie naked on the kitchen table. Why? 

Because we still have to finish all the ice creams that came with the offers. Forget Samantha and Sex and the City, this will be Ice Cream Delights on a Birmingham Kitchen table, you can all do this at home, just make sure you take advantage of supermarket offers first.