When the General French Kissed the Regimental Sergeant Major

When the General French Kissed the Regimental Sergeant Major ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’ve had four kebabs and some coffee, and a good nagging from the wife so I’m about ready to tell the tale of:- When The General French Kissed the Regimental Sergeant Major.

If you have read the Malta story then you know where this piece of Lego joins it.

So if you are sitting comfortably and have finished your 20 mile stroll through the Brecon Beacons then I’ll begin. Esther had announced her intentions to her son, ok she pressed the red button and military satellites the world over screamed. Find my Mum. Her son was a zillionaire in the defence business after all. So she hitched a lift from the Maternity hospital in Birmingham to the airport, so that all the maternity crew could get to Malta and PDQ.

Now at the airport they just had to stop for Duty free, Mrs Murphy linked arm in arm at the duty free shop with Esther the mother of the zillonaire. They were chaperoned by a few Military, who had been told to abandon their war games and be an Uber for Esther. They were more than happy to oblige as the got opportunity to meet the legendary Tony from the Navy Seals. Tony being Esther’s shadow. But you know all that if you read the Malta story.

Now at the airport Barry and Steve were plane spotting with their grandad Colin. Colin was an old soldier, but he never talked much about it. Though he did wear his medals proudly when they went plane spotting at the airport. It meant they got special treatment from the airport security.

Now Barry wore glasses and a wheelchair, it was like a coat so he said he wore it. He could move about a bit with sticks but at the airport it as easier to stay in his chair. Steve was 2 years older and loved his brother to bits. Colin their grandad was really their dad, there was a car crash and mum and dad died and so they went to live with Colin. In England Colin is pronounced COL IN, not CO LIN as that General in USA calls himself. Colin was not posh, he was just a loving grandad.

As Esther and Mrs Murphy laughing like thieves left the duty free pushing a trolley load of stuff they accidentally hit Barry’s wheelchair. Esther was mortified, her Military guard though saluted, a real deep salute. They has seen the medals and they knew what they meant. Esther stopped to ask what they were all doing. Plane spotting came the reply. On impulse Esther said come with us to Malta.

So that was sorted. Colin did ask about passports but Esther and the Military just laughed. You were not holding your passport when you won those medals I bet, Colin blushed, he’d been rumbled. He never really spoke about his exploits. He was too busy with the lads. When they got on the plane Esther inquired what did the boys like at school, just by way of conversation. It turned out they loved maths, they had both already taken A level maths privately because the school would not let them do it.

Now Esther smiled, she had a feeling, a feeling only a good Jewish mother would know. My son loved Math, I encouraged him and the rest is History. Colin you go with the boys I want to talk your boys. So Colin rejoined the Military for the flight, and the Wedding Party were  making merry too. Esther leant in and asked Barry and Steve did they like puzzles. She borrowed two ipads from the flight crew, and logged in.

All you have to do is look into the screen so they can take facial recognition, and then do your best. You get a prize if you do well. What’s the prize asked Barry, could I buy grandad a new front door for our house house? Steve said the prize wouldn’t be that good, if he won the lottery grandad would rebuild his local British Legion, its near our house. Esther smiled, her heart was melting already.

So on the plane flew, the boys gave the quiz their full attention. Outside the fighter escort flew alongside, not knowing how valuable the contents of the plane was becoming. Finished shouted Barry, 20 seconds later Finished shouted Steve. Esther looked at her watch, 46 minutes 30 seconds. Did you press send when you finished Esther asked? Yes, yes. Good boys, now forget about the test you’ll be having a week at the Hilton in Malta.

Somewhere in USA Esther’s zillionaire’s assistant woke up screaming, screaming and screaming. Staff came running, this was the office and lab complex for the zillionaire satellite maker. It was like Iron Man’s but he built his 20 years previously before Robert Downy Jr imitated him. Art does imitate Life after all. It’s not all fairy tales, like Snow White, though snow white does exist, I cannot explain it to you now, just trust me.

Bruce was screaming because he had had a double hit, not powder up his nose but because the test taken on the plane to Malta had come though on his computer. And now Bruce had wet himself too. Esther’s son came running and saw the wet patch on his PJs. What’s wrong Bruce, I thought you were ok after the procedure, pointing to his pants. Boss, I’ve just had a double orgasm, 2 separate test with perfect scores, and they were quick real quick.

The zillionaire smiled, well send them a million each and tell them we’ll give them a house with pool in California, the future is waiting. And where are they, in Kansas? No, Boss they are on a plane to Malta with your mother. Well send 10million dollars to the Salvation army, sorry send 20 million dollars to the Salvation army, there are 2 of them after all. Mum would insist I give one of her charities something as a finders fee.

So that’s what happened, then the zillionaire rang his friend General Mike Tatters to share the news. So Mike remember your promise. The General did, Regimental Sergeant Major here. The RSM came running, with any explanation the general grabbed the RSM and proceeded to force his tongue down the RSMs throat. In the nanosecond before the RSM could rip the general to tatters, or at the very least to rip his tatters off, the General handed phone to the RSM, hello its me, we met once. The zillionaire explained. Thank you Sir, replied the RSM to the zillionaire. By now the other generals from a variety of Nato countries were wondering what was going on. So the the RSM got his revenge, he grabbed General Sir Mike Tatters and forced his tongue down his throat, I forgot to say he’d been Knighted by the Queen.

Sir Mike laughed as they separated, the RSM half smiled. Then seeing the other generals Sir Mike winked. So the RSM improvised and came back to squeeze the general’s arse by way of goodbye. So the general just stroked his cheek fondly. With that the RSM marched off. The French and Italy generals were a little peeved, the RSM did have a fine pair of shoulders after all.

General Sir Mike Tatters looked about him, he should explain but they could kiss his arse, he was a British officer and his lips were sealed. I hope you all know how to use a parachute there has been a change of plan. So they headed towards the planes.

The RSM just looked at his Men, and smiled, I’ve done may things while I’ve been in the British Army but that is the happiest moment of my life. Does that mean you’re going to start wear a dress, Sir. No, well only you buggers aren’t watching me he replied. They laughed. Then he explained. Britain had just produced not one but TWO coding geniuses, and thy would be staying in the UK.

As Barry and Steve had  asked for their hearts’ desire it would be granted. The Army, the British  Army would be dropping in to secure and rebuild their house, and as for the British Legion, that would be spruced up too. It was like an invasion planes flew low over the Legion and Colin’s house just up the road. Parachutes opened and men armed to the teeth came running. The RSM arrived boots first, I am your fairy godmother he began, if the old soldiers in the Legion had seen him kiss the general they would have believed him

Supplies came floating from the sky, they would rebuild the Legion, it was HQ, there would be a temporary Tent Legion covering the car park while the renovations took place. Then just as the old soldiers wondered what about the bar a Police Escorted beer wagon arrived, the zillionaire had shares in the company, so he asked and the Legion received. Then a truck with camouflaged toilets on the back. The RSM explained that Colin had friends in high places, and in fact most of them were jumping out of the planes above.

Further up the road Colin’s house was being secured, sadly there are always bastards, and his house had been broken into. However if you are a thief and you get caught breaking in by the Army what do you think would happen? Well the RSM doesn’t French kiss you, that is for sure.

So the house was secured, and the field behind was compulsory purchased, so Barry and Steve could have privacy, and maybe have a horse. The zillionaire looks after his workers, besides he knew they would never leave England. So the house was upgraded, with 2 gig wifi and a dedicated satellite parked overhead. Of course as England is colder than California so triple glazing was installed by the Finns, but with bullet proof glass, just for added safety.

Now ordinarily this would take a long time to do, but Money Talks and Cash Screams. 24 hour working under arch lights was needed, so in 3 weeks everything was done. The Legion never stopped serving beer while the renovations took place, the RSM himself served behind the bar in the tented pub. Barry and Steve and grandad Colin had to force themselves to stay at the 5 star Hilton in San Julian Malta for those 3 weeks.

When they returned General Sir Mike Tatters handed them the keys to their new home, though really retina recognition worked equally as well. Then they went down to the newly restored Legion. And why did this all happen asked an old solder. Because of Colin’s clever grandkids from Birmingham that’s why. The General looked around, can you keep a secret?

Then he explained how the zillionaire had made him promise if ever there was a British coding genius he’d have to French kiss the Regimental Sergeant Major. Never. Yes really. Never the whole pub roared. So as they were in great company the RSM put down the beer towel and came around the bar. The General showed how he had French kissed the RSM, and then the RSM showed how he had French kissed the General.

Stunned Silence, then the bar erupted in applause. The things you have to do for Queen and Country. But it was well worth it, a brand new British Legion bar, prices pegged at 1pound a pint for the next ten years. The RSM had insisted on that. As for Colin, he met a Korean widow aged 50, but looking 25, so she came and lived with them. In fact she used to be a British double agent in North Korea, but that’s another story. As for me I suggested soft toilet paper in the toilets and they agreed with me, as they threw me out for not being a member of the Legion.

me in Malta april 2013,my last holiday

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