Michael’s Bathroom

                Michael’s  Bathroom   ©

                                by

                          Michael  Casey

         Six months previously Michael had decorated his living room,  he

had to, the white walls had turned to a nicotine stained yellow in places

such  was the downside of having a South facing living room.  Now it  was

the turn of the bathroom again.  The bathroom was very small,  not  even

enough room to swing a cat,  it was about 7 foot by six foot,  which was

just big enough for the bath,  the sink and the bog. Why did people want

big bathrooms anyway? You weren’t going to hold dinner parties in there,

or  go  jogging,  yes Michael was used to and by now satisfied  with  his

small  bathroom.  However it always seemed to need decorating,  he  just

needed to open the window more often and let the steam out.  Michael just

loved to wallow in the bath like a Hippopotamus,  he had a radio on  the

windowsill  so he could listen to Heart FM while he shaved and bathed  and

watched  the spiders.  There were spiders galore in his  bathroom,  his

mother  always said spiders brought money with them,  perhaps  snared  in

their webs,  Michael even looked under the bath behind the panel just  in

case  the spiders had indeed brought gold with them,  sadly all he  found

was yet more spiders and their webs.

        Years ago at work the offices were tarted up,  so new carpet  was

laid  in  the reception,  so Michael had begged for the off  cuts,  and

persuaded Paul Robinson to give him a lift home with it. Once home though

it was late Michael got out some very sharp scissors and laid the carpet in

the bathroom, he’d have a posh bathroom now, no more cold lino for him.

Actually  he did make a good job of the carpet fitting,  there  was  some

left over too. Now the bad thing about ordinary carpet in the bathroom is

that it gets manky,  firstly because Michael splashed a lot in the bath,

his mother had always told him off for splashing in the bath since he  was

a child,  she was afraid the water would leak though the ceiling into the

living  room below.  He did not have that problem now in his own house,

why, because he had a concrete floor. So the carpet got wet, due to the

splashing in the bath. Michael was also a bad shot, so he’d occasionally

piss  on  the floor,  when he came rushing home dying for  a  piss  after

having too many shandies.  Also if you spill domestos or other bleach  on

carpet it changes colour.

         As for the ceiling and walls,  they needed cleaning and painting

every  now and then because of all the steam and Michael not  opening  the

window  often  enough.  So Michael would go up the road to Fads  and  buy

five litres of white emulsion for a fiver, then scattering newspapers all

over the bathroom he’d attack the walls and ceiling. He soon got high and

had  a headache with all the paint fumes,  even though the window  was

wide  open,  the  radio  was blaring too,  he  always  had  music  on

constantly,  whether he was painting,  eating, washing shaving  or just

picking his nose. Michael’s painting had more attack than finesse to it,

splash it here, splash it there, quantity more than quality, his father

had always told him to use a small amount on the brush,  a tiny amount,

but Michael always overloaded his brush,  paint was cheap after all,  a

tin  of paint only cost the price of a couple of pints and a bag of  chips

after all.      

         Once finished Michael was splattered in paint, his grey hair now

turned white,  his painting clothes,  now more paint than clothes,  his

watch  had a white thumb print on it,  his underpants had paint on too,

for  no  matter  what  he  did  he  was  always  hitching  his  jeans  and

consequently he had paint everywhere.  Michael stepped back to admire his

handiwork,  but being as the bathroom was so small he bumped into the bog

and ending up sitting on it.”It’ll do” was his usual comment,  and it

would  have too,  he couldn’t afford a real decorator. A fiver to do  his

bathroom,  but a decorator would charge 100 times that and take days, it

took Michael an hour and a half tops,  he’d finish in time for Star  Trek

and that was important,  he had his priorities right.  So looking at his

splattered  watch,  Michael gathered up the paint  splattered  newspaper

which was protecting his fancy carpet.  The only trouble though was  the

fact that his shoes were stuck to the newspapers,  so Michael had to  sit

on the bog and pull the newspaper off his shoes,  invariably a spot or two

of  paint  stayed on the carpet.  So Michael had rub hard  to  clean  the

carpet,  and  take his shoes off so that he  wouldn’t  leave  footprints

everywhere. ”Ah it’ll do,” repeated Michael as he looked back at  the

bathroom from the safety of the kitchen,  he’d then strip off and put all

his  painting clothes into the washing machine, invariably the light  was

fading now, so Michael had the kitchen light on, so his neighbours would

be  treated to the dubious  privilege of seeing Michael naked  and  paint

spattered standing in his kitchen.

          Star  Trek  was great as usual,  Michael  only  recognised  the

metaphors  after the show,  but he really enjoyed the show,  he’d  been

watching it for 30 years now, the original and then the follow on shows.

After  his  dinner Michael ventured back into the bathroom, ”Who  needs

decorators,  the  thieving bastards”.  Michael was satisfied  with  his

handiwork,  it’d do till the next time.  The next time came,  when  the

carpet was manky,  so Michael threw out the carpet and searched under the

bed in the spare room,  that’s where he kept the rest of the carpet.  As

luck  would  have  it there was just enough to cover  the  bathroom  floor

again. So once more he got out the dangerous scissors and cut the carpet  to

shape,  and yes he did do a good job of it, carpet fitting he could do,

it was painting he was useless at. Jackson Pollark, the artist who threw

paint  at  the canvas would have been impressed by  Michael’s  bathroom,

anybody else would have said, ”was there an explosion?”

        So time passed and the carpet was manky, so Michael threw it out,

so what would he do next?  He hit upon the brilliant idea of painting the

concrete floor.  It only took half an hour and then ”hey presto” he had a

redecorated bathroom,  only he hadn’t thought of one thing. What happens

when you paint a floor white? It shows all the dirt, and it shows up all

the spiders that are not spiders,  if you know what I mean.  So  Michael

improvised,  he was good at improvising, 20 years as a computer operator

and he’d leant to improvise,  if nothing else.  So he painted the  floor

blue,  that colour wouldn’t show up spiders that weren’t spiders. And he

was  right.  He had another problem now,  because  he’d  used  ordinary

emulsion,  when it got wet, it came off, so soon the soles of Michael’s

slippers  went  blue,  and soon the blue was spattered with  white,  as

toothpaste and soap suds stained the blue floor. Michael persevered, he

painted the floor blue every couple of weeks or so,  blue paint was  more

expensive than white,  but the one tin enabled him paint it ten times or

so. Eventually the walls needed painting again,  so Michael thought  he’d

try blue on the walls,  only it was too dark,  he didn’t like it,  and

more to the point he ran out of paint halfway through.  So he went up  to

Fads again for white,  though he was nearly tempted  into buying a  soft

coloured paint as it was half price, but after a bit of soul searching he

stuck with white, five litres for a fiver.

         Another  problem reared its head,  if you try  painting  over  a

strong colour, the colour underneath shows through. So on Boxing Day 98

Michael spent the day painting, or smearing as his mother used to call it

,  he spent the day smearing two coats of white over the blue. And yes it

did look dreadful.  New Years Eve came and Michael’s bathroom was covered

in copies of the Telegraph,  it was a good read with great coverage, why

just one copy was enough to cover all Michael’s floor, he’d have to write

to  the editor to thank him.  So Michael got drunk on New Year’s Eve  and

ended  up dancing with his friend Dave,  Dave being a Helmult  Khol  look

alike.  Once home with a hangover,  Michael realised that in the morning

he’d have to give another coat or two to the bathroom.  Michael could see

the  light  at the end of the tunnel,  or rather the bottom of  the  five

litre tin of paint,  once he finished the tin, the job would be finished

whether  it was finished or not,  the job would be finished.  He’d  had

enough, and he had a massive headache due to the paint fumes.  

       “Finished,  at last,  thank God,” yelled Michael, yes he

had come to the bottom of the tin, so finished or not, it was finished.

So Michael went and watched Star Trek on the satellite.  The bathroom took

forever to dry as it was Winter and the atmosphere was cold and wet.  So

it  was  a  couple  of  days before  Michael  could  finish  the  bathroom

transformation.  He found some old curtains he had in his pantry, he had

originally  bought them for the kitchen,  but once he got them  home  and

tried  hanging them he was annoyed to discover they were too  short,  so

they  had  ended up in his pantry on a shelf next to his  iron.  To  his

delight the new curtains were just the right length for his bathroom, and

they were nice and bright too.  So what to dod next?  Michael pulled the

panel out from in front of the bath, as luck would have it he had a spare

plastic shower curtain ; so he wrapped the panel in a new shower curtain,

a  flowery pattern on it,  and it would match the shower curtain he  had

already up. Finally as he had to lay the lino, the lino he swopped a new

pair of shoes for. His brother had some spare lino, and Michael as usual

had  a  spare  pair of shoes in his shoe mountain at  the  bottom  of  his

wardrobe.  So he got the lino,  and his brother got the shoes as a  Xmas

present,  they  had both laughed as they struck the  deal  during  their

regular  weekly   telephone conversation.  Their dead mother  would  have

approved too, ”look after each other” was her motto. There was one snag

though, Michael couldn’t find his scissors, so how could he cut the lino?

So  he improvised with the bread knife,  a flash of the knife  here,  a

flash of the knife there, it was hard work, he was soon covered in sweat

but after 45 minutes he was finished.  So he just had to slip the freshly

covered  bath panel back in position.  So kicking it back in  position,

Michael  had finally transformed his bathroom.  Michael stepped  back  to

admire his handiwork, accidently knocking the bread knife down the toilet

but  he didn’t hear the splash,  as the radio was blaring out a Nat  King

Cole  song ”Let there be Love”.  Michael looked at his  freshly  painted

bathroom,  walls and ceiling had been painted,  new bright curtains were

hanging  down,  and the lino was new and bright too,  he had even put  a

layer of plastic and newspapers underneath to act as insulation,  and  he

had a little mat too that he could step on when he got out the bath.  Yes

it  was an utter transformation,  the best it had looked in the 12  years

he’d  lived there.  All this activity had made him really hungry,  he’d

bought a loaf from the bakery,  an old fashioned big tasty loaf,  all he

had  to do was cut it into big slices,  now where had he left  the  bread

knife?

                               End  

***** and yes a true story

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